The
Style Invitational Week 1003: Just do it: Repurpose an ad slogan
By
Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, December
27, 6:00 PM
For
Otis Elevators: “Good to the Last Drop”
For
Crest fluoride toothpaste: “Tastes Great, Less Filling”
The
first is an old joke, the second maybe not. In any case, we were surprised that
we couldn’t find this contest — suggested by Loser Jeff Contompasis — on the
list of our previous 1,002 columns kept by Proto-Loser Elden Carnahan. (We’d
had one recently for altering a slogan, but not for using it as is.) Your
mission is pretty clear: Use a well-known advertising slogan for a different
company, organization or product to humorous effect, as in the Maxwell House
and Miller Lite slogans above.
Winner
gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style
Invitational trophy. Second place receives an amazing self-published large
paperback book sent to the Post newsroom presumably by its author, Steven
Discenza, “New Boss of All Bosses on Staten Island.” Its title inexplicably
refers to a “magical” sex organ, while the subtitle is “Knowledge Is Power and
Education Is the Key to Success.” It’s not easy to discern the point of the
book, but it seems that Mr. Discenza is very angry with the Federal Energy
Regulatory Commission. Lavishly illustrated, though fortunately the title
character is nowhere to be found.
Other
runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired
Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First
Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their
first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
Jan. 7; results published Jan. 27 (online Jan. 24). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 1003” in your e-mail subject line or it might
be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Chris
Doyle; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by
Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook
at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report
from Week 999, in which we let you enter, or reenter,
just about any of our contests from the past year, updating the material for
current-events contests:
The
winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:
From
Week 946, cynical definitions:
Date
night: A dinner out at which a husband and wife pretend they haven’t seen each
other on the toilet. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
2.
Winner of the can of genuine dehydrated water:
From Week 982, song parodies including a line
from the original:
To
“Hit the Road, Jack,” as sung by D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray and the
Graylettes: (start clip at 0:34)
“Oh,
people, my people, don’t you fuss and complain;
I
didn’t know nothin’ ’bout my campaign.
Don’t
know Jeffrey Thompson or Sulaimon Brown,
Or
rakin’ in cash without writin’ it down.
But
I guess if you say so, I’ll have to pack my things and go.”
“That’s
right! Hit the road, Vince. You suckered us since Day One, Day One, Day One,
Day One!
Hit
the road, Vince. You played us but now you’re done.” (Nan Reiner, Alexandria,
Va.)
3.
Week 989, combine two professions: A Tlingit carver stars in “Death of a
Salesman” because he always wanted to be Loman on the totem pole. (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
4. Week 975, debunk a myth: It is not true that
the American Dream is for a chicken in every pot. Actually it is in a large
paper bucket. With a 32-ounce soda. (Jeff Hazle, Woodbridge, Va.)
Much redo about nothing: honorable mentions
Week
946, cynical definitions: Mistress: A miss who can only lead to stress. (Mike
Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Blogger:
Someone with high self-esteem and a keyboard. (Jeff Hazle)
Genius:
One percent inspiration, 99 percent PR. (Lawrence McGuire)
Week
951, double a word or pair it with a homophone: Jerk jerk: Any dance created by
Chris Brown. (Mike Gips)
Role
roll: Casting couch audition. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
Claus
clause: “If the party of the first part fails to check his list twice, all
parties of the second part are to be considered ‘nice’ and entitled to
presents.” (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.)
Week
952, poems about people who died in 2011:
“Death,
be not proud,” John Donne said,
But
today he might tell us instead:
“Death,
you’re allowed
Just
this once to be proud,
For
Osama bin Laden is dead!” (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Week
955, pair a word with its anagram: Website eewbits: Icky stuff that pops up on
your screen when you were searching for something else. (David Ballard, Reston,
Va.)
Kilned Kindle: What you find at a book burning these days. (Chris
Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Week
958, wellerisms (wordplays featuring quotes): “It totally failed to deliver,”
the critic griped about the “Silence of the Lambs” remake. (Frank Osen,
Pasadena, Calif.)
“Darling,
I’ve removed my trousers,” he whispered expansively. “And I, my bra,” she cooed
expertly. (Frank Osen)
“Do not go forth and multiply,” said the pastor, preparing his
flock for the end of times. (Chris Doyle)
“He
makes no bones about it,” she explained as she returned the negligee to the
store. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Week
959, move a TV show to another channel: “Finding Bigfoot” moves to TruTV, is
renamed “Not Finding Bigfoot.” (Dixon Wragg)
Week
963, “before and after” names: John Milton Bradley: Pair o’ dice tossed. (Nancy
Schwalb, Washington)
Marion
Barry Goldwater: “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. But I know a
few others . . .” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Week
965, “breed” two horse names from a list: Verne + I’ll Have Another = Mini the
Moocher (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
A
Boy Named Em + Souper Speedy = Step on LaGasse (Paul Burnham, Gainesville, Va.)
Week
967, “before and after” phrases: Fiscal Cliff Notes: In a nutshell, it’ll cost
you. (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo, Australia)
Week
970, finish a couplet: When you are old and grey and full of sleep (W.B. Yeats)
/ I know a nursing home that’s really cheap. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
The
moving finger writes, and having writ (Omar Khayyam/Edward Fitzgerald)/ Moves
on, despite the disbelief of Mitt. (Robert Schechter)
Let
me not to the marriage of true minds (William Shakespeare)/ Admit impediments . . .
whoa, they’re both guys? (Rick Santorum) (Steve Honley, Washington)
Week
971, two-in-one books: “Scoop” by Evelyn Waugh with “Go, Dog, Go” by P.D.
Eastman. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
“Fifty
Shades of Grey” and “The Color of Money” (Vera Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va., a
First Offender)
Week
976, combine the beginning and end of two words in that week’s Invitational:
Bobblehead + Politburo: Bobbleburo, a cabinet of yes-men. (Tom Witte,
Montgomery Village, Md.)
Birthward:
In the past. And Deadward: In the future. (Tom Witte)
Week
977, run a phrase through Google translator and back to English: Original: Be
all that you can be.
Via
English-Tamil-Swahili-English-Kannada-Chinese and back]: You can not. (Kevin
Dopart)
Week
979, how to tick people off: Guess people’s weight as they get on the elevator,
and then press the corresponding floor button for each number. (Kevin Dopart)
Week
981, test questions for job applicants: Q: How many years have you been a horse
trainer? A: [Stomp. Stomp. Stomp.] (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Week
982, song parodies including one line from the original:
To
“I Enjoy Being a Girl,” as sung by Paula Broadwell (start YouTube clip at
0:40):
When
I wear a frock that’s sleeveless,
And
my arm muscles I unfurl,
It’s
not so that I’ll achieve less;
I enjoy being a girl.
My
project entails the Army,
And
a general whose toes I’ll curl,
And
I don’t think it one bit smarmy
To
employ being a girl.
Who
cares that we’re both already wedded?
I
flash him a coy and smoldering glance,
And
soon I’m successfully embedded,
’Cause
the general can’t keep his privates in his pants!
And
should some conniving female
Try
to pilfer my purloined he,
I’ll
send her some threatening e-mail.
What’s
the diff? It’s not as if she’ll sic the feds on me! (Nan Reiner)
If
I had a Hummer, I’d drive it in the morning.
We’d
guzzle up the gallons wherever we’d go.
It’s
the symbol of power, it’s the symbol of money, too.
And
it’s all about intimidating drivers
All
– over this land. (John Shea, Philadelphia)
Week
983, limericks featuring words beginning with E:
Some
people drink to Queen Bess,
Some,
to the beast of Loch Ness.
Some
drink to wealth
Or
perpetual health,
While
others just drink to excess. (Mae Scanlan)
Will
and Kate are expecting an heir,
So
they’re now in the media’s glare.
Imagine
their fate
Should
Kate replicate
And
produce both an heir and a spare! (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)
Week 986: homophone humor: Bill O’Reilly’s rants carry such a foul
odor that guests call his show “The Nose-Pin Zone.” (Chris Doyle)
“Mr.
Nguyen, your soup line is so long and I’m in a hurry — can you make an
exception for me?”
“Sorry, lady, you get the same pho queue as
everyone else.” (Mark Richardson, Washington)
Week
987, bank heads: Post’s headline:
Frederick man’s body found in a trunk. Fake bank hed: National Zoo elephant’s
respiratory problem solved (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring, Md.)
Headline:
Va. party chair looking ahead to 2013; bank: Hopes Clint will be available for
chat at GOP conference (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
Week
989, a person with multiple professions: Motocross racer/basement repair
specialist/astrophysicist: That new job is going to be wheelie sump’n spatial.
(Larry Yungk, Arlington, Va.)
Week
993, Epic Rap Battles:
Moby
Dick: I wanted only peaceful seas where I could freely swim
But
then you tried to kill me so I chomped your lower limb
And
now you rant and rave and cry for vengeance just as though
It
wasn’t you who started it? Now who’s the real [moby], bro?
Captain
Ahab: Oh Moby, you’re a big fat fish with blubber for a brain,
But
you’re correct my hate for you has driven me insane,
And
though my monomania is nothing I had planned on,
I’ll
hunt you down as long as I have one leg left to stand on. (Robert Schechter)
Week
996, combine two magazines: The Economist + Automobile: “Our Annual Camry
Issue!” (Robert Ballard)
And
Last,
from Week 967: Washington Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: A condition that
afflicts untold thousands whose surefire Style Invitational entries were not
published. Currently there is no treatment, but wine may help a little. (John
Shea)
And
Really Last, from Week 970: Breathes there the man
with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said, (Sir Walter Scott)/ “I’d all
my couth and scruples shed to win a Lincoln bobble-head.” (Nan Reiner)
Next
week’s results: Four Digits, Seven Letters,
or Witsunday.